Braves Coach Heroically Directs Traffic; city gridlocked, countless injured


Last night Atlanta Braves third base coach, Doug Dascenzo, took to the streets to fill in for a broken traffic light in the Midtown area. One well-intended miscue led to another and before he knew it, Dascenzo had crippled the city. There were multiple pileups caused in the ensuing chaos, including one 17 blocks away from the Golden Corral where the 49 year old baseball veteran had just finished dining. When asked for comment, Dascenzo stated:

“Well, we come down here just about every other night. It’s not fancy, but you get a good amount of food at the GC. Nobody there to tell you to stop when the plate runs out like at other places. You really can’t beat the value.”

Dascenzo left the restaurant and saw the stop light malfunctioning. With no cop to be found, he reportedly jogged to his car to grab his batting helmet and placed himself in the middle of the intersection. Witnesses state he engaged in a high-speed ballet of arm gestures to send the cars coming from every direction into the increasingly narrow lanes. Dascenzo cited his baseball instincts as the basis for his timing decisions.

“When you’re out there in the field, you gotta pay attention to how far that ball got hit and who’s running. If it’s say Freddie just rounding second and the ball is in shallow left, you go ahead and send him. That’s an easy one, though. There’s, uh, some tougher calls out there. And I, ya know, I like to get people going where they want to be. So, yeah, I sent more cars than maybe a robot would have. But it’s all about the eyes, you know. And instincts, not spreadsheets or averages.”

Reporters on the scene repeatedly asked Dascenzo to explain why he would send a car directly on top of another car before also waving in traffic from the intersecting direction. Their questions turned to desperate screaming as the Braves coach repeatedly and calmly told them that it looked to him like they could make it. “Sometimes things just don’t work out like you see ‘em, but that’s no reason to change the plan.” Dascenzo stated before tipping his helmet and walking towards Turner Field in attempt to make it to the 7:10 game against Milwaukee.

Hospitals in the area have not been able to come to a consensus on an exact number of injuries caused as a result of Dascenzo’s valiant efforts. However, a spokesperson said that the number is well into the hundreds and possibly thousands. Meanwhile, city officials are still working to address the gridlock as local radio shows are already recalling January’s crippling snowstorm.

When reached for comment this morning, Braves President, John Schuerholz, stated only that the mix-up was unfortunate but certainly explains the low attendance at Turner Field last night.

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